Tales From the Gym

I enjoy going to gym and getting my 'swoll' on a few times a week. I’m lucky to be on a military base because we have a pretty good gym and it’s free to use. The only drawback is that I’m forced to share it with Army guys. Personally, when I go to the gym, I like to just keep my head down, do my workout and get out of there. Unfortunately, there are just too many characters in the gym. I just can’t help watch them sometimes. Here are some of the observations I’ve made over the years…

First, you have the guys that are there because they’re small and want to get bigger. The problem is, they get there and realize that they’re going to have to put in a lot of time and hard work. When they realize that they can’t just show up, lift a few weights and go home looking like Ah-nold, they give up.

Then you have the show-offs. They’ve got all the newest gym gear and they love to look at themselves in the mirror. Doesn’t matter if they’re big or not. They walk around like they own the place. These guys make me cringe because they always put on more weight than they can lift correctly and then they flail about like a contortionist just to squeeze out 3 reps. Then it’s back to the mirror to see how much bigger they’ve gotten in the last 5 minutes.

Perhaps the most annoying ones are the grunters. We’ve all seen – and heard – them. With ever single rep, they let out an animalistic “RRRAAHH!”. We’ve got a couple of these at our gym. I want to just go drop a 45 lb plate on their heads.

Another thing that cracks me up are the guys who work out in wifebeaters. Now, I love wifebeaters. I own several and wear them pretty much everyday. But they’re undershirts. You don’t wear them to work out at the gym. Guys who do this are trying desperately to look like tough guys. We get a lot of these on base.

You have your socializers. These guys don’t come to work out, they come to lift a few weights and spend the rest of the time talking to their buddies. One of my pet peeves is people who talk to me while I’m working out. When I’m there, I just want to focus on what I’m doing and get out of there. So if you ever see me in the gym, just nod hello and keep walking. I promise I won’t be offended. If you try to talk to me in the middle of a workout, I will be forced to thrash you.

The weight hog. This prick loves to grab all of the weights and hoard them for the duration of his workout. When you ask if he’s done with, say, the 25’s, he replies with a snarky “No, I’m using those”. What he means is, he will be using them eventually and doesn’t want anyone else to touch them until he’s finished. These guys are few and far between but they’re out there and they’re pricks.

It’s easy to see why many people start going to the gym with best of intentions but end up giving up after one or two visits. Someday I want to start my own gym so I can make the rules and force people to follow them. Then there will be no more of the people I described above. If I see some in a wifebeater, I’ll tell them to go home and change. If I hear someone grunt more than 3 times, I’ll tell them there’s a 3 grunt limit. If I see people talking for more than 2 minutes at a time, they get a warning. If it happens again, they’re out. And for the love of all things holy, if I see ANYONE hogging the weights, they will forever be “persona non grata” at my gym.


Rik