Did I ever tell you about the time...

...that I called my mom a dildo?

A little background first; we grew up about 200 yards from an X-rated outdoor drive in theater. Growing up, we would often find dirty magazines and stuff like that on the side of the road and of course, being little perverts, we would pick them up and keep them in our tree forts. I was really too young to understand most of the stuff in there but I recall reading one and seeing an ad for something called a dildo. There was no picture so I had no clue what it was, I only knew it must be something dirty if it was in a dirty magazine.

So one Sunday afternoon after church we decided to all play Monopoly as a family, my mother, my sister, my brother and I. I think I was 10 or 11 at the time. A while into the game I was close to being out of money as I rolled the dice. I ended up landing on one of my mom's properties, which just happened to have a hotel on it. I could not afford the rent so I was out of the game. I got so mad I wanted to call my mother a name but swearing was not allowed in Judy's house so I blurted out the only other thing that popped into my mind and yelled "You...DILDO!"

Oops.

The room got very silent very quick and the ashen look on my mother's face made me realize right away that the word dildo was...well...probably not a good thing to call your mother. After a few tense seconds, my brother and sister started laughing and my brother exclaimed "Ricky, do you know what you just said?!". I of course did not so I pleaded ignorance. Thank God my mother accepted this and let me off with a stern warning to never...EVER...let her hear that word again.

Looking back, it was quite a funny moment...but still not as funny as the time I called her a motherf****r...